Category Archives: Uncategorized

Facebook Stupid: People, Get A Life

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I just don’t understand it.  The Two Bruces are so damn busy they can hardly keep up with basic life needs.  We need to make appointments months in advance simply to have lunch together.  It is very sad.  And, now with football season and the NY Giants just a month away, our schedules will get even worse. So, how do people find the time to be “Facebook Stupid”?

First, I would like to propose some thoughts about Farmville; you know, the farming simulation social network game developed by Zynga in 2009.  Essentially, it features gameplay involving various aspects of farm management such as plowing land, planting, growing and harvesting crops, harvesting trees and bushes, and raising  livestock.  Folks, seriously, if you live in a city and are 50 years old, you should not be playing Farmville.  You should be reading the NY Times once a week, thinking about how to recover your 401(k), and deciding whether reverse mortgages are right for you (they are not).  If that is not enough, how about thinking about serving meals to the poor, picking up a National Geographic, cleaning  the inside of your car, or picking weeds out of your front lawn, all time better spent than virtual farming.  Are you not embarrassed by this?  I mean, seriously;  real farmers say, in Peoria, IL, are dealing with a real life drought and losing their corn crops, and you are likely sitting in your air conditioned bedroom or in your cubicle playing a virtual game involving farming? Phooey on you.   And, are you not embarrassed by asking me to “Join Me In A Game Of Farmville”?   Sorry, I am busy; but maybe sometime in the year 2052, my likely death year.

Second, let’s talk about the stupid act of constantly posting political signs, political leanings, and nasty comments and themes about the opposing candidate in the presidential election. Let me look you in the eye and say that if you truly believe that this type of posting is going to sway my vote, you are likely a dummy and insult my intelligence.     

Oh, thank you Facebook friend and sometimes moron. I just changed my vote based on your newest posting for Mitt  Romney.  Thanks for your important information on him.  I had no clue about his political platform nor did I know anything about the opposing party. I had no clue the Senate was f*****ed up.  I have been playing Farmville all day and just got a little stupid.

Finally, people, who has the time to find and post those stupid and silly touchy feely quotations and inspirations all day long.  You would think that with all of those postings, the people in this country would be rich, thin, beautiful, spiritually enriched, at peace, in love with their neighbors, and just in a good place. NOT!   Here is an example:

I happen to love Maya Angelou.  I happen to not believe in hate.  But what benefit did Facebook readers get when the poster let the world know that he or she does not believe in hate. Come on; does anyone  truly believe that the suicide bomber sitting in some broken down shack, or, the Aurora, CO movie bomber, was moved by this Facebook posting?

Here is another one posted on my page this morning:

Oh, you must be kidding!  Carlos, your words were much more meaningful when you were smoking doobies at Woodstock.  I would have actually listened to you then, rather than on some stupid Facebook posting!

Bottom line, people, don’t be “Facebook Stupid”.  Use this valuable service to provide me with useful information, not to involve me in a game of planting corn on someone else’s computer.

Dummies for Dummies.

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This is the moment of truth. How many of you out there have purchased one of those “_____ for Dummies” books? Don’t sit there and deny it. We’ve seen the sales figures and we know what you’re up to. Get the hell over yourself already! That book ain’t gonna help you! If we can’t help you, then no one can and you’re just SOL. (Look it up, Einstein!) See what we mean by Dummies? Jeez!

Aww, c’mon! Really? (emmettferrret.org)

The publishers have pretty much made their statement as to what they think of you. It’s simple – to them, you’re all dummies. Why else would they keep printing these books?

There is a “Dummie” book for just about anything in the world or so we thought until exhaustive research proved that these, so-called smart guys, (the publishers), over-looked some categories that without these books, you’d all be real dummies. With the exception of course, the two Bruces who will now happily join those so-called smart guys. So before long, you’ll be able to get these new books and enrich your wretched little lives. (Sorry about that, Bruce sometimes forgets his very humble beginnings.) These will be available at all popular book stores not including Borders.  Hey, we’re not dummies here!

For those of you who have mastered writing or some such approximation, take down these titles and buy these books if you want to move up to the position of shift manager of your local Dollar store. That guy in front of you isn’t any smarter than you, he’s just the owners’ idiot offspring from his second wife.

“Breathing for Dummies” – You’d be surprised how many schools have private remedial breathing classes. This should be mandatory to achieve citizenship. It has an advanced section on exhaling which should be read several times to perfect this activity.

“Walking for Dummies” – Left, right, left, right. How hard could that be? Amazingly, not following this can lead to serious and sometimes fatal tripping. The book comes with many simple to follow diagrams and one syllable words for easy reading. (Special discounts offered on crutches.)

Yeah, this is what we’re talking about. Read the “Walking for Dummies”" one first so you can then strut like a pimp. (secularcafe.org)

“Blinking for Dummies” – Once you get the hang of this, it’ll take forever to read.

“The Dummies’ Guide to Drinking Water” – This is not to be confused with the advanced book “Drinking for Dummies” which is all about alcohol consumption. This, through extensive research and illustrations, will demonstrate the correct way to consume water. Such chapters as “Not through your nose, Dummy” and “Ears are for Hearing” are must-reads.

“Hair-growing for Dummies” – Just look around and you decide who you want to give this book to as a gift. Special six-packs available.

After all of this, if you’re still struggling with life or whatever, we have just the book for you. Do not attempt to read it while walking, talking, eating, any natural process, or for you really big dummies out there, reading.

Let’s be careful out there. (laughingsquid.com)

Who Has Roof Rats? I Have Roof Rats

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So, over the past few months, we have heard birds in our chimney, knocking noises all over the house, and seemingly bad odors (ok, we found out later that those were our own odors).   We called an “animal recovery specialist”.  Isn’t that a nice name for a guy who comes over and kills your annoying vermin?

The birds are in the chimney because they have evidently built a nest.  Our builder, Alfred Greenberg & Sons, who received a fortune of money to build our house, left off the all important chimney cap/screen.  Retail price; $25. Price to hear birds chirping at all hours…………..priceless.  Nice work, Alfred.  Hope you and the family are sleeping well since your retirement.

The fellow comes over and tells us that we have a bigger issue; we have “roof rats”.  I asked him to repeat this until I believe his news.   “Yes, sir, I have been in your neighborhood several times recently and roof rats seem to be a problem”.  Damn, that makes no sense.  Roof rats should not live in a clean upscale neighborhood like East Memphis.  Why? Our real estate taxes are sky high  and I do not know a gainfully employed roof rat.

Mr. Exterminator (blunt enough?) told us that the roof rat’s scientific name is Rattus rattus.   Makes me think that mother rats do a disservice by giving their babies the same first and last names.   Historically, they are associated with having spread the plague or black death during the Middle Ages.  Now, they have moved to East Memphis.   Damn, these things should get frequent flyer miles.   The roof rat is also known as the black rat, even though it is not necessarily black in color, but rather is usually dark brown (like it matters).   He tells us that the typical roof rat is between 13 to 18 inches long, including its tail.  No, no, other Bruce, don’t ask me about “13-18 inches long”.  Roof rats are sleek, slender, and agile. He said they have large ears, so at least I have something in common.  The other Bruce’s ears are in proportion to his body; mine are like elephant ears.  I was always kidded about  my ears since I was born.  This makes it especially hard to know that the invading species probably looks like me.

Mr. E told me that they generally only stay in the attic.   He would need to do a complete eradication program over a two day period, costing $2,600.  Great, next vacation will be pared down to an evening driving around the block.  So, I asked how these things get into such a clean house?  Mr. E. told us the following facts, which were very educational:

Roof rat droppings are long and cylindrical – important to know that they do not need fiber

Roof rats are nocturnal  – good to know they are up when I am sleeping and dreaming about creepy things

Roof rats can transmit diseases like the bubonic plague and typhus  – Nice, the 10 plagues may have finally come to my home

Roof rats will enter homes and buildings; they only need a hole the size of a quarter;  Alfred Greenberg…….thanks  again  for   building an expensive home with holes.

Roof rats are good climbers. They can climb walls and use utility lines and fences to travel from structure to structure – Nice to know that roof rats are fit and in shape;  I have to spend $40 per month for my fitness club membership.

Roof rats will nest in trees, woodpiles, garbage, and plants  -  Picky buggers, obviously these are not the ones we used to see in New York City which ate ALL matter.

Roof rats like high places, like attics, which are their preference – Thank God for small favors.

Roof rats do not burrow in the ground or swim – Too bad, I would have invited them to use our pool on Father’s Day had they asked.

Roof rats eat fruits, vegetables, nuts, pet food and invertebrates (spiders and worms, for example). They will also eat paper.   All these things exist in my house. They could have just come for dinner.

Female roof rats can each have up to four litters a year, each containing five to eight young. In urban areas where they have no natural predators, the survival rate of the babies is high – With college so expensive, why would they do this?

Yes, I am in a bad mood about spending $2,600 to eradicate our roof rats.  I am especially angry at them because I am so much bigger and smarter and stronger than they are, and they should have at least picked a good fight.