It used to be that TV was free. For you young ‘uns out there, this is fact, just like Clinton saying he never inhaled! But with what we’re about to discuss with you, inhaling is probably a good idea. No, it’ll probably be necessary. And if you have any left, well, give us a call.
We started out by saying TV used to free (with the exception of advertising which in some cases was better than the show) and it wasn’t that long ago. Admittedly, most of it was crap. The occasional MASH, House, yeah those was good. And it was free!
Now you have to pay to see the kind of variety the world of TV has to offer. It’s not free and it’s unbelievably terrible. Right, you got to pay for this crap!
Nah, we’re talking about the heavyweight division of pure, unadulterated, steaming, festering crap. Most of this stuff is on cable channels like Bravo, TLC, OWN, Discovery, and Hallmark. Depending on your predilections, and we know you have them as you’re reading this crap, you run the risk of getting any number of television induced diseases. The end result of all them is the same – sitting, drooling, and mumbling at your TV while the nurse ups your meds.
Each one of these channel is in a submersible race to see who can hit bottom first and the hardest. And though Bruce and I have differing opinions, not often, we are in total agreement that neither of us can determine which of the following is the worst of this sorry lot.
For fairness, we are going to leave for another judgement day, any shows pertaining to New Jersey. Up against that, the other shows wouldn’t stand a chance, capisce? We will also exempt for this post any of the myriad Housewives shows. They alone are the biggest affront to females in recent years with the exception of Clarence Thomas.
So where does that leave us? If we were any smart, we would get ourselves to the mental dental chair and have these shows taken out immediately. But then we wouldn’t have anything to write about, so here goes.
My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding – (hollywoodreporter.com) Are you kidding us? In one recent episode, the poor groom wasn’t going to get to first base on his wedding night! Most of us have to wait years after the marriage before that happens! (Also tied with My Big Fat Obnoxious Boyfriend) Thanks a lot Nia Peeples for this great idea!
Ice Road Truckers – This is the winter version of driving your dune buggy on sand. C’mon now!
American Pickers – In any other era, this would be called petty larceny. As it stands now, it’s just a hair short of looting.
Pawn Stars – You know that old “antique” lawnmower in the back yard, IT”S NOT WORTH ANYTHING! Get a job!
Deadliest Catch – That would be Kate of Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Jon and Kate Plus 8 – Actually they made more news with their breakup. No one was sad.
The Crocodile Hunter – In which the hunter got hunted. Yeah, boo yourself.
Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? My Dad? My Mother? – Everyone and no one!
The Bachelorette/The Bachelor – Why don’t we just introduce these two losers and be done with it?
Fear Factor – Dumpster diving for dollars. Yum.
Steven Seagal: Lawman – Yeah, Elvis wanted to be a cop too.
The Swan – In which an ugly duckling gets made over into an…ugly duckling but with better clothes and hair.
Wife Swap/Trading Spouses – It’s just like Nordstrum’s – they’ll take anything back. (Can you believe two people came up with the same wonderful idea? Talk about creative.)
Flavor of Love – An indescribable…well, just indescribable.
The Amazing Race – A prime example that people will do anything, risk life and limb (and sometimes do), for a small payoff. Wise up…it doesn’t look that good on your resume!
Any and all of the “Talent” shows – The Gong Show meets Ed Sullivan meets Don Imus.
Any show with “America’s….” – It isn’t at all!
The Matchmaker – We need to introduce her to the Bachelorete, the Bachelor, My Dad, Your Mom, your turtle, and the Millionaire. We’re sure they’ll all be very happy together.
That’s only scratching the surface. Watch too many of these and you’ll have itches where you won’t be able to scratch them in public. Don’t say we didn’t warn you! So that’s what it’s come to folks, we are going to hell in a hand basket. Wait, I like that, it’s a good idea. Maybe Mark Cuban will pick it up.
Oh, there’s a little more bad news – the English have many more of these and they’re coming our way. Payback for 1776 we guess.